Everything I Needed to Know About Relationships, I Learned from My Parents

Reflecting on my understanding of relationships, I realize that everything I needed to know came from watching my parents. Their relationship wasn’t perfect—none are—but they consistently portrayed patience, grace, and compassion in front of my siblings and me. Despite our best efforts to play them against each other for a bit of leniency, they quickly learned to refer to one another before making any commitments, ensuring they were always on the same page.

The Art of Arguing: There is a Time and Place

I’m sure they had their disagreements. After all, they were two complete individuals with their own thoughts, experiences, and opinions. Yet, amidst the pressures of raising children, maintaining a household, and navigating the stresses of adult life, I genuinely cannot recall a single instance where I heard them argue. What I do remember are the whispers shared in the low light of their bedroom each night. The walls may have been thin, but the topics of their discussions remained a mystery. In hindsight, I suspect they were unpacking the day’s battles. Occasionally, I’d catch a pointed look between them, hinting at a future conversation, but I never witnessed yelling or violence.

A friend once suggested that my aversion to confrontation might stem from not seeing my parents’ conflicts play out before me. That could very well be true. Not being exposed to raised voices or disruptive behavior during my formative years likely influenced my sensitivity to loud noises and sudden movements as an adult. But while I didn’t witness overt conflicts, I did observe my parents modeling conflict resolution. They guided us through our sibling disputes, teaching us the art of creative problem-solving, listening, checking for understanding, and compromising. They managed their external arguments with others in similar ways. My siblings and I rarely saw them at odds, reinforcing their partnership's strong foundation.

Instead, we watched them take a deep breath before responding to charged language and set respectful boundaries by walking away from the unreasonable. Gossip was off-limits in our home. “If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, you were not to share it with your mouth,” they’d say. We were encouraged to put ourselves in the shoes of others and consider the deeper context beyond sensationalized tidbits. A saying echoed in our home: “There are three sides to every story—your side, my side, and the truth.” My parents continuously challenged us not to jump to conclusions or react solely out of emotion, urging us to reflect on our words and their impact before we spoke them—understanding that once said, they could never be taken back.

Physical violence was strictly forbidden. While it could be employed as a last resort for self-defense, it was never a means for expressing anger. I feel fortunate that my upbringing did not normalize such behavior. Consequences did exist for dangerous infractions, but they were neither excessive nor commonplace. We never witnessed our parents resorting to physicality with one another.

Communication: Expression, Understanding, and Humor

Their example taught me the importance of saying "I love you" before parting, no matter the circumstance. It became a running family joke that they always kissed goodbye, often adding, “I better kiss you if I’m not taking you with me,” or using our own warped sense of humor, “I better kiss you or you will want to tag along.” At the time, it felt silly, maybe even embarrassing, but now it serves as a reminder that love is an action, something we must practice regularly.

The way my parents communicated with each other was also significant. Our family thrived on good-natured ribbing, and it became lore that one hadn’t truly been accepted until they’d been teased. Their jokes rarely strayed into mean territory, and the moment someone appeared uncomfortable, the rule was simple—stop. Witnessing their playful banter and shared smiles reinforced the notion of them as partners who genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. They encouraged us not to take ourselves too seriously. Admittedly, I dreaded my friends hearing my family tease me about my missteps, but it taught me resilience and the ability to respond in jest. Humor became a powerful tool for diffusing tension and fostering a sense of belonging within our family.

Affection: Reinforcing Bonds

I wouldn’t label us a family known for public displays of affection, but physical touch was very much a part of our everyday lives. Hugs were common, and we frequently saw our parents kiss. A comforting hand on the shoulder or a pat on the back was the norm, creating an environment of warmth and connection. However, overt sexualization was absent. As we entered our teen years, yes, my parents joked about sex, almost to embarrass us, but they never indulged in vulgarity or objectification in our presence. This distinction taught us that relationships involve much more than physical intimacy. When we did overhear an inappropriate comment, we learned to challenge that behavior and, more often than not, received validation that it was inappropriate.

When I began contemplating entering my own relationships, I had definite expectations. I sought a partnership similar to my parents’—one built on mutual respect and companionship. I drew a hard line against violence and hateful speech. Above all, I wanted a partner who looked at me like they looked at one another—with deep affection.

In essence, my parents' lessons shaped my understanding of healthy relationships, influencing me to seek out love grounded in respect, humor, and unwavering support. And for that, I’ll always be grateful.